Waves of anxiety dissolve overnight
This is me and my cat Daniel.
For those of you who remember the show, I named him after Daniel the Tiger from Mister Roger’s Neighborhood.
This is how we slept every night for 15 years.
The weight of Dan’s warm body, the low hum and vibration of his purr...the ultimate comfort.
If you’ve had a pet, you know how much unconditional love they bring to our lives. And how soothing it is.
So much less complicated than people!
Daniel’s momma abandoned her litter of four kittens just days after they were born. I’ve taken care of Daniel ever since then. People have said he imprinted onto me as his mom. It has definitely felt like that.
After some sudden health issues, I put Daniel to sleep last summer. I’m ok now, but I mourned him being gone for many months. As a single woman living alone, Daniel was my primary companion for 13 years.
I can’t help but wonder how much easier it would be to go through this pandemic with Daniel around.
I had an episode last month when I woke up every morning for weeks with my heart rate 10-20 beats per minute higher than normal and a sense of anxiousness and overwhelm. This spiraled into second-guessing myself and questioning everything I was doing.
While there were definitely things happening in my life that I felt overwhelmed by, I also knew the intensity of what I was experiencing wasn’t just from my own situation.
I sensed that the waves of anxiety were partly from a collective overwhelm that’s reverberating through so many of us – in this country and around the world.
Whether we’re conscious of it or not, what may seem to be our individual experience – including our emotions – are shaped by and interconnected with other parts of the system, including other people, institutions, policies, the environment, and non-human living beings (like Daniel!), that we are interconnected with. I began learning about the science and study of interconnection through systems theory as part of getting my Masters degree in Organization Development (OD).
Our culture of hyper-individualism has buried the reality of interconnection. We’ve been led to believe that self-reliance and independence are the highest value. And the systems and institutions that have emerged from this paradigm keep us disconnected from ourselves, each other, and all life. Even though our lives and survival are interdependent.
And COVID-19 is revealing how interconnected and interdependent we really are.
All parts of a system are interconnected. What happens to one part of the system inevitably impacts other parts of the system.
I definitely experienced this interconnection with Daniel. We were tuned into how we were each feeling. I think most people who have pets feel and understand this. For fifteen years his companionship and constant state of mellowness helped calm down my nervous system, even through my most stressful events – building my house, separating from a partner of ten years, recovering from trauma from two car accidents, etc.
Last month, without him around, I couldn’t shake the anxiety I was feeling. It gripped me day after day and I wasn’t sure how I was going to come out of it.
In the midst of this, a friend asked if I wanted to go camping for three nights. We’d be able to see the Neowise comet under clear skies. I was torn. I desperately wanted to get away. But after not getting much done for many weeks, I had a lot of work piling up. I couldn’t commit right away.
Over the following week, I started to feel an intense longing – a physical urge – to get out of my house. I needed a change of scenery. I decided to go for it. I left my laptop and “to do” list behind and drove three hours to a campground by a lake in the mountains.
I could feel the tension from being cooped up in my house for months, start to release from my body.
The first night I slept out in the open air under the stars. It was the first time in weeks I was able to sleep more than 5 hours.
I woke up to the sound of popping and crackling from morning campfires. My mind was churning the same thoughts I’d been waking up with for the last month. But I felt different. My heart wasn’t racing. I wasn’t gripped by a sense of overwhelm.
I got out of my sleeping bag and walked around. I couldn’t believe it. I felt calm and happy. Joyful even. It truly seemed like the anxiety had dissolved.
Sleeping on the ground, breathing in fresh mountain air, swimming in the lake, and being fully off my laptop and phone…all helped my body and nervous system downshift into a slower pace and rhythm.
Each day in the mountains brought a deepening sense of grounded calm.
Much like how I felt when Dan slept on my chest. But instead of Dan being wrapped up in my arms, I was calming down from being wrapped up and embraced by nature.
It’s been two weeks since the camping trip.
There have been a few mornings when I’ve woken up to a fluttery sensation in my chest. In these moments, I can see the fork in the road. I know what will happen if the fluttery sensation takes over. A downward spiral.
My daily intention has been to stay connected to the steadiness, peace, and joy I felt in the mountains.
So far, it’s been going well. And it’s taking a lot of focus and follow-through.
My body and nervous system respond to being physically active and being outside. So I’ve been making an effort to set up routines each day that help me DO the activities and practices that calm and ground me.
I want to share what some of these things are. And, I want to be clear that what’s significant about this list is not “what” I do. It doesn’t necessarily matter what the practice is. What matters is whether I do it.
Each one of these “practices” involves a fork in the road. A moment of choosing to do it – or not. What’s most important is setting up structures that help me just do it.
For example…
Start my day by getting outside and watering my garden.
Watering my garden immerses me in the wonder and awe from nature’s life force. I know it calms me down. And…easier said than done. Getting out the door before I let myself get distracted by what’s overwhelming me is the hardest part. Once I’m outside, it’s as if I’ve broken out of an inertia from being inside of my house that can keep me in a stuck pattern.
If you don’t have a garden, connect with some aspect of the natural world. Notice a tree, the miracle of a leaf, the sound of birds, the clouds overhead moving in the sky, etc. Breathe in some fresh air. See if this makes a difference in how you feel.
Reach out to connect with people more.
I’ve been really conscientious about sheltering in place. On top of that, I’m an introvert so I’m used to living alone. I enjoy it. But we’re social creatures and we’re not meant to be isolated, especially in times of crisis.
Camping with a friend helped me realize how essential it is for me to be around people more (with social distance!) – even if I don’t feel lonely. I’ve been making a point to stop by my neighbor’s house on the way to the park to see if she wants to join me. I’m reaching out to friends I haven’t seen in months to make dates for socially-distanced hikes and phone dates.
Meaningful and emotional connection.
Eat on a more regular schedule.
This is pretty straightforward. It’s funny, it seems COVID is helping us realize all the things that we know are good for kids are good for adults too – structure, consistent meal and bed times, naps, playdates, food before low blood sugar hits!
Get off my laptop at the end of the day and get outside for a walk.
Since I live alone, there are no other people around who require things of me. There is nothing stopping me from being on my laptop until late at night. (I’m sure this was contributing to my increased heart rate and anxiousness…)
After camping, I’ve created a boundary in my mind between 'the workday” and downtime. To reinforce this boundary, I’ve come up with some “rules” that I don’t give myself the choice to opt out of: Close my laptop when it’s approaching 6pm. Put my shoes and jacket on. Get out the door.
For me, getting out the door is the challenge. Once I make it outside, I’m ok.
Swim three days a week.
My gym opened for swimming only (one person to a lane!) and I signed up for a time slot three days a week. This has made a huge difference in helping me stay grounded. I always feel amazing and joyful after swimming.
More of THAT.
Sleep outside under the stars.
I knew I had to make the setup simple and easy to reduce the barrier of doing it regularly. It takes me just a couple of minutes to get everything laid out, and to put it away in the morning. It’s becoming a new normal – a new version of making my bed in the morning!
When do you feel more grounded and whole? Joyful and alive?
Notice what activities and practices evoke that aliveness in you.
How can you set up more of that in your days?
Build your resource and resilience.
Step by step.
One day – one breath – at a time.