The Struggle to Connect is Real
It's February. There have been a series of beautiful sunny northern California days. And I’ve been struggling.
After I sent my last email a month ago, some unexpected health issues came up. There’s a reason I had been feeling depleted over the holidays. I’m on a leave of absence from work right now.
I’m ok, I will teach my course in a couple of weeks. And, the last 4-5 weeks have been unsettling. And hard. There have been days of emotional and physical exhaustion, moments of overwhelm and worry. As an introvert, when I’m exhausted, I tend to withdraw to try and conserve energy. I’ve been holed up in my home, alone, trying to rest and build strength.
In my depletion, I started doubting my work. Suddenly, my vision to help others awaken joy and possibility by creating meaningful connection, seemed like wishful and naive idealism. "What kind of a dumb idea is that?" Slowly, I’ve been taking one step at a time to work my way back from disconnection and despair.
I’ve been humbled by my own struggle to connect with myself and my dignity. I'm going through how hard it is to practice. So I thought I’d share the handful of things that are helping me.
FOCUS ON LIFE.
Holed up in bed for days put my focus on exhaustion and worry. Not helpful. Luckily, every now and then, I’d go out into my garden. It is impossible these days to ignore the incredible life force that’s bursting forth.
Is this bloom amazing? It is about an inch and a half long of pure gorgeousness.
EMBODY JOY.
On January 13, I had an intuition that I needed to embody joy, even though I was depleted. Days resting in bed was not helping me feel restored. That night I went to a salsa class with my favorite teachers in Oakland. First time in 2 years. I laughed, had fun, and felt hopeful and alive for the first time in weeks. I’ve been going every Monday night since then.
In a timely coincidence, I ran into Anthony King, who took my course in Fall 2017. We had a quick dance in my class 3 years ago, and we had a great dance that night.
Dancing got my creative visioning - and hope - flowing again.
Here’s the story I’m choosing to make up from that night:
Embodying joy is ABSOLUTELY an integral part of work. It’s not “unproductive” and what I “get to” do when I’m done with the important stuff. Embodying joy is probably one of the very few things I can count on to build my resource and resilience. Buoy my spirits. To sustain the hard effort of manifesting vision and dreams!
What is your joy practice? When can you make sure to embody joy in the next day and over the weekend?
GET OUTSIDE. WALK.
One of my lowest days coincided with a 30-minute call with a client. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to do it. Thought I might break down in tears. I called a colleague and friend for some support but they weren’t answering. In a bit of desperation to get present, I made the effort to get myself out of bed and go outside.
I know a short walk outside seems trivial. But once I smelled the crisp air, heard a bird overhead, saw the glow of the setting sun, I experienced being held by something much greater than myself. I noticed an immediate shift inside of me. From isolation to connection. Belonging in my inextricable place in nature. In just a few short minutes.
PROVIDE SUPPORT.
Going on the walk got me settled and grounded for my client call. About 5 minutes into it, I felt another shift. The practice of providing support re-focused me back on my dignity, strength, resource, and capacity. I was so close to canceling the call, but it's the very thing that lifted me out of the hole I was in.
BUILD ON MOMENTUM.
That was last Tuesday, January 31, and I’ve felt stronger and more hopeful each day since then. I've gone swimming twice in the last five days, and went to yoga yesterday for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm taking it slow, but can feel my aliveness coming back.
If/when you notice yourself in overwhelm, worry, self-doubt, and despair, re-focus your attention on life.
Get outside. Go on a walk. Support someone. If you are in the Bay Area, come for salsa - and joy practice! - on Monday nights in Oakland. (Look for Anthony and I in the photo...). Let me know if you plan to go. I'd love to see you!
No matter what else is going on in your life - and the world - nature is happening. The daffodils WILL bloom.
