How my surgery helped prepare me for COVID-19 disruption
I’m writing exactly 20 days after I had surgery. For about a week after the procedure, I pretty much had to lay in bed all day and night, changing my icepack every hour, round the clock. I wasn’t able to read, work on my laptop, go outside, even take a shower. In a way, I was on forced social isolation (with bed rest!) as part of my recovery process, two weeks before what’s happening now with COVID-19 precautions. When I was getting back on my feet 10 days ago, ready to re-engage with the world, the world had changed.
And here we are.
I’m realizing now, one week into an official policy for people in the Bay Area to remain at home (by now the entire state of California), there are many ways my surgery helped me prepare for COVID-19 disruptions.
1. I mentally prepared myself for potential complications and faced my own mortality.
Three weeks before my surgery, I received a booklet from my surgeon with all the complications that had been officially recorded from the surgery. It was pretty harrowing. One week before the surgery, I spoke with my anesthesiologist and we went over my medical history and what might happen if I had an allergic reaction.
They reassured me it was highly unlikely that anything would happen to me, but they were obligated to let me know. Heading into my procedure, I had pretty much come to terms with the possibility of something going wrong, and potentially not making it through. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I felt a calm acceptance of “anything is possible.”
2. I re-connected to immense gratitude for simply being alive.
When I regained consciousness in the recovery room, I was so so thankful for making it. For the first few days, I experienced a strange phenomena where I would be doing whatever I was doing (mostly lying in bed), and I’d imagine myself not there. I pictured the whole scenario happening without me in it, knowing how easily I could not be here.
In the weeks since then, a deep gratitude remains with me. I’m alive! Even just being able to sit up and look out my window and see my garden, I feel deep joy. I don’t take a minute of life for granted right now.
3. I settled into “doing nothing” for days on end. Within a couple of days I came to relish it.
View from the nook in my living room where I lay for a week.
I had prepared a list of things I might be able to do in my first week of recovery. Organizing my laptop desktop, listening to podcasts and audiobooks, listening to videos for an on-line class I’m taking…
It turns out, I totally under-estimated how exhausted I would be as my body was healing. So I honored my intuition and let myself continue to lay in quiet and stillness. I refrained from starting to “get stuff done.” Friends commented, “You must be so bored. What are you doing all day long? What podcasts are you listening to?”
But the mere thought of listening to a podcast felt draining. I could viscerally feel how precious my energy was for my body to heal and recover. Within a few days, I began settling into “simply being.” I experienced my nervous system adjust to a slower pace and rhythm.
I spent hours listening to the wind chimes, gazing out at my garden. I watched the light change at different times of the day as it moved across my yard. I FELT HAPPY AND PEACEFUL.
I’m realizing this slower rhythm is much closer to my natural equilibrium, and how much I enjoy simply “being.” This was such a contrast to how busy I’d been checking things off my “to do” list in a frenzy before my surgery.
Two days ago, I received instructions to remain at home indefinitely, without in-person contact. Interestingly, because of my recovery, my days haven’t changed. I’ve already worked through my initial discomfort of being at home. On top of being home, I became more comfortable with the discomfort of not doing much beyond rest. One of the gifts from this time is reframing “not doing anything” to “the act of being.” Which I really experienced as essential to health and well-being.
4. I’ve been focused on taking really good care of my body.
Being weakened by the surgery, I am much closer to the reality and awareness of being an organism trying to survive. I feel the direct connection between taking care of my body - eating nourishing food, drinking lots of water, getting plenty of sleep, icing my wound - and having the energy and resource to recover more quickly.
I’m well on my way to recovery from the surgery, but I’m continuing all these things. Now with the intention to strengthen my immune system so if/when I get the coronavirus, my body will be able to manage it!
5. I’ve been reaching out to reconnect with people I’ve fallen out of touch with.
The surgery gave me a fresh awareness of how tenuous life can be. With gratitude for this time to be alive, I started reaching out to relatives and friends I just haven’t had time to connect with amidst my busyness.
6. Quiet and stillness have enabled me to re-clarify the kind of life I want to live.
Through the wisdom of my body over this last few weeks, I have remembered how I want to FEEL in my life - how I want my body to feel. I thank Bryce Gilleland, a student from class, for patiently asking me an important question since May, as part of helping me birth my startup into being.
“What’s your desired future state?” Bryce has been asking.
Each time, I’ve responded with a list of things I want to do and accomplish. It hasn’t been until this last two weeks that I am finally getting it.
My desired future state is what I’ve been experiencing as a part of “forced recovery” and now, forced social isolation from COVID-19 precautions. I want time and spaciousness in my days. I want time to sit in stillness and quiet and notice what’s going on inside of me and around me.
I want time to take care of my garden, instead of hiring people because I’m too busy. I want to enjoy preparing good food from scratch and sit for hours enjoying it. I want to “be” and enjoy the experience of that moment without an ever-present nagging sensation that I’ve got a ton of other things I “need” to do, and “should” be doing.
I’m very clear this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be productive. The quiet and stillness have helped me get even more clear about the impact I want to have. Downtime gave way to creativity and manifesting. What I’m realizing from this experience, is that I can - and want to - commit to a future state where “doing” and “having impact” is a manifestation of “being” and sharing what brings me joy.
What is YOUR desired future state?
Because when each of us is enjoying ourselves, each other, and this most wonderous life, it surely has to be a good thing for the world.