Fires Burning. Full-on Threat Response.

Those of you who are in the Bay Area, I hope you are recovering from the fires and power outages earlier this week. For those of you outside the area, northern California had multiple planned power stuff-offs because of high winds and fire threat in the last week. 973,000 households lost power. The entire UC Berkeley campus was closed down twice in three weeks from scheduled power shut-offs.

Fire. High winds. Dry hills. This is serious.

My power was shut off Saturday night. On Sunday I found myself caught in the middle of three fires within 12-40 miles from my house. I ended up packing up my car with what I could fit and left to stay with friends in Berkeley until Wednesday. 

Below is a more detailed account about the stress and threat I experienced last Sunday, and how I tried to “Notice and Name” and regulate in those moments.

[“Notice and Name” is a core practice from my course that helps get present, become aware of emotional reactions, and pause before defaulting to unconscious and impulsive behavior.]

Today is seven days later. I’m back in my house. I have a new reality of how quickly a fire can start, any time, any where. There is no rain in the upcoming forecast, and the hills are full of dry grass and wood. The Kindcaid fire up north is still burning (since Oct 23), but is over 70% contained.

Fire season is not over yet. I’ve unpacked my car but everything is still stacked by my front door. Now that I know what’s important enough to take with me, I want to be ready. Just in case. 

I’ve been reading about how fires at this time of year are the “new normal,” given rising temperatures and drier landscapes from climate change. With increasing threat from fires and other environmental stressors (on top of all the other stressors in our lives), I wonder how it will be when more and more people are overwhelmed from survival threat response. Most people have little to no awareness of what’s happening internally when a fight-flight-freeze reaction is happening, and no idea how to self- and/or co-regulate to calm down and lower the heart rate.

Will we be able to mobilize across differences and support each other in times of stress and crisis? Will we turn against each other as we fend for ourselves? 

Thursday 10/24
Received notice that power in my town might be shut off within 48 hours.

Friday 10/25 Received notice that power in my town might be shut off within 24 hours.

Saturday 10/26 3:00pm
Neighbor confirmed the power shut-off was going to happen in the evening but we didn’t know exactly what time.

Saturday 10/26 8:30pm
Lost power and internet but I was ready with a flashlight and freshly charged extra battery packs for my cell phone and laptop. Even though I had prepared for this, when everything suddenly went dark, I felt my stomach tighten and my breath stop for a moment. 

I told myself everything was ok. There would be light in the morning and I could go stay with friends in Berkeley if I needed power. As I got ready for bed, I put my phone on airplane mode to save battery. I realized how dependent we are on smart phones and the internet. And how limited we are with no power to charge them. 

Sunday 10/27 10:45am
Received text alert: 

“Immediate evacuation in Oakley due to fire. Leave now. Take only those essential items you have ready and can carry with you. Pets must be in a carrier.”

Hmmm. Where is Oakley? Why am I getting the evacuation alert? GoogleMaps showed that Oakley is 40 miles east of my house. The winds were reported to be 60-70 mph. I went outside to try and see what direction the wind was blowing. It was really windy. I smelled smoke. Where is the fire now? How fast is it moving?

10:46am 

As I stood outside, I received another text about an evacuation alert for the entire town of Crockett from a “fast moving fire.” I looked up Crockett. 12 miles north of me. I felt my heart quicken. 12 miles is really close. I looked up ‘Crockett fire’ on my phone. It started in Vallejo, jumped across the water by the Carquinez Bridge, to Crockett. I checked to see how much my phone battery drained from being on the internet. 

I called my friends in Berkeley, asking them if I should leave my house. I kept them on the phone as I began walking through different rooms. I looked around at all my stuff. What were the most important things to take with me? I started gathering…my passport, jewelry, a watch my father gave me, photo albums from high school, my computer hard drives, art off my walls, photos of my beloved cat Daniel. I had to put him to sleep in May… 

“Don’t get frantic and start rushing around. That will just freak you out.”  

I told myself to breathe and stay calm. It was reassuring to have my friends on the phone to talk things through with. I could feel the impact of co-regulation in action! At some point, I noticed myself getting anxious from the conversation. I told my friends I needed to get off the phone so I could pack. I started gathering bags and boxes to fill. 

I felt my heart beating faster and stronger. I wanted to move quickly, but also made an effort to pace myself and not rush. I thought it might help me regulate if I engaged my cognitive thinking. So as I gathered things together, I focused on how to organize everything in different bags and boxes so I could easily find things. That seemed to help. Strategic and coordinated packing in times of crisis…

I looked at my clothes, shoes…how to choose what to bring? I got anxious again thinking about my house burning down. I decided clothes would be the last thing to go in the car on top of boxes so I wouldn’t worry about it now.

I started carrying things from my house to the car. I felt my heart beating and my whole body on alert. I thought, “Is this what it feels like to be a trapped animal? What kind of breathing practice can help me self-regulate right now? Does anything work in moments like this?” 

I took some long deep breaths but smelling the smoke in the air got me nervous again.

12:34pm
As I was loading a suitcase into my backseat, I got another text:

“Evacuation order and warnings have been lifted in Crockett with fire under control.”

All of a sudden, just like that, I felt my whole body calm down knowing the fire was contained. I didn’t have to beat the fire. I knew I would still go to my friends’ place since I didn’t have power. But I didn’t have a fire to escape from. My friends in Berkeley called to see if I knew the evacuation was canceled. I told them I was going to make some lunch, and head to their place in the next couple of hours.

I suddenly thought about my neighbor Susan down the street. I realized I had been so focused on myself, I hadn’t thought about Susan. Susan is in her 70s, she lives alone like me. We look out for each other. Not in this moment. Wow. This is what happens when my brain is focused on my survival. Totally did not even think about Susan. I immediately sent her a text asking if she was ok. She was fine. It turned out she didn’t get any alerts so had no idea there was a fire 12 miles away. 

2:05pm
I finished lunch and was packing up food from my refrigerator to take to my friends’ place. I got another alert:

“Immediate evacuation in Lafayette due to fast-moving fire.” 

I know Lafayette. It’s is super close, a short 15-minute drive southeast from me. I Googled “Lafayette fire.” There were 2 fires that had started, someone had already posted a Youtube video. Is this really happening? I felt a wave move through me. A gripping and tightening of my muscles. It was wild to notice what was happening in my body, preparing to survive, after I just had a couple of hours to calm down. 

It was time now. I put the food in my car and loaded up whatever shoes and clothes would fit. Took one last look around at the house that I built and tried to emotionally prepare myself to lose it. I would be sad for sure. What else to do? I felt grateful I had time to pack up important things.

The alerts had mentioned closing windows and locking doors. As I pulled the front door shut on my way out, I imagined it getting destroyed if firefighters had to smash their way in. It’s such a beautiful door. I wondered if I should leave it unlocked instead. No time to deliberate. I turned the key to lock the deadbolt and got in the car.  

I drove over to Susan’s. It was a warm, sunny fall day. There was just smoke in the air. It was weird seeing people on the street walking their dogs, kids riding bikes. Why weren’t they worried? Did they have any idea what was happening in Lafayette? Should I mention it to them? I had been texting my next door neighbor but he didn’t seem concerned. 

I decided to drive over to Susan’s and not worry about anyone else. Turns out she hadn’t received the alerts for Lafayette. I told her I was headed to Berkeley, asked if she wanted to come, if she needed help packing up. She had her cat she would need to take with her, and had friends in Berkeley she could stay with. I told her to text me if she needed anything. And then I drove off.

I noticed the electricity poles as I drove down my street. They were old. Some leaned pretty far over to one side, wires were hanging all over the place. I had never really noticed them before but they definitely seemed like a fire hazard.

I felt another wave of anxiety and confusion. What if the Lafayette fire burned its way west over the ridge and into Oakland and Berkeley? Maybe Berkeley wasn’t the best place to head to. I didn’t want to be get stuck trying to get out of there with everyone else. Should I drive south? 

I felt shaky.

Ok, this is what it feels like to be in threat response from uncertainty about survival. I pulled my car over and called my Berkeley friends again. Explained I had left my house but was nervous about driving into Berkeley if fires were heading that way. They assured me they hadn’t heard any warnings, things were ok so far, they had power. They agreed we would be ready for any news and be ready to evacuate if something happened. 

I don’t think I necessarily felt assured that we wouldn’t be in danger, but talking to them helped me calm down. I realized I would much rather deal with an evacuation together with friends, than on my own. So I pulled back into the street and headed to their place. 

4:15pm
After getting settled into their guest bedroom, I got another text. 

“Immediate evacuation in Martinez due to rapidly moving fire.” 

Martinez is 13 miles east of my house.

4:41pm
Evacuation order for Lafayette lifted.

5:57pm
Evacuation order for Martinez lifted. 

The local fires were contained. Berkeley ended up being ok. I drove home Monday night to unload my car but I kept all the bags and boxes by my front door, just in case. I still didn’t have power so after unpacking, I drove back to Berkeley. I stayed with my friends until I got power back at my house on Wednesday. 

I felt the toll of being in that kind of threat response for a few days. I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t write simple emails, couldn’t make decisions. Monday night I couldn’t fall asleep until 3:30am. I noticed reduced capacity to be creative, strategic, decisive, and clear-thinking. Ironically, this is how we need to show up in a crisis, yet these are the areas of higher order functioning that get impaired in crisis. 

I notice I’m taking many more moments of pause to simply take in life. Many of my belongings piled up next to my door is a good reminder to be present. Feeling much gratitude for people who are fighting these fires. And a lot of sadness for people who lost homes, businesses, and are still in the middle of fires up north and in LA.